Understanding intimate partner violence

The person being abused lives their life in a state of constant high alert. They’re always worrying about the threat of abuse as it can happen at any time, for any reason. They are always guessing their partner's intentions and trying to defuse any tension. The victim no longer has the courage to freely express their wishes and opinions because they’re worried about being abused. They adjust to their partner's moods and avoid anything that could put them at risk or trigger the abuser.

Victims often feel guilty. They believe it’s their own fault they are being abused. It's something they've said or done, or something in themselves that’s wrong and is making the other person become abusive. They believe that if they change their behaviour, the violence will stop. They keep questioning and changing themselves but the abuser doesn’t stop.

As a result of the abuse, the victim loses their sense of self-worth. They feel increasingly worthless and ashamed. The abuse is seen as normal and even justified and their threshold of tolerance rises to the point where they no longer realise that what they are experiencing is totally unacceptable. Repeated abuse destroys a person’s self-esteem and confidence across their relationships, families and careers. This is made even worse by the shame of being abused, of being a 'battered woman’/'battered man’.

Under pressure from their partner, or because they want to hide their situation, victims gradually withdraw from their family and friends. They avoid socialising and going out. This loss of contact encourages the abuser to become increasingly controlling. The victim’s doubts and confusion grow and they can’t tell if what they’re experiencing is normal or not. They feel trapped but don’t know how to change the situation or escape. Many people are sure that any attempt they make to escape will fail. This situation is worsened by the belief that nobody understands or cares and they feel lonely and hopeless.

Victims often feel guilty because they can’t leave their partner or for going back after leaving. They may be held back by a number of things - they don’t want to put the children through a separation; they feel guilty about leaving their partner; they experience pressure from friends and family; there is a deep fear of retaliation and/or losing the children. They are also worried about a lack of money and have concerns about finding work or somewhere to live. Ambivalent feelings towards their partner can also hold them back, because the abuser is sometimes kind and promises never to abuse them again. Part of them still loves their partner and wants to believe in them, despite everything.

Breaking free from abuse takes time. Everyone goes at their own pace and it’s a very personal journey. Every separation, even if it's temporary, is helpful and worthwhile. Taking space allows the victim to gain a better understanding of the destructive spiral in which they are trapped and to test their ability to live on their own and manage their lives with their children.

Victims of intimate partner violence, preoccupied with surviving in a hostile environment, become exhausted and drained. They often suffer from anxiety, depression, stress, insomnia and other disorders. Other health consequences include nausea, dizziness, chest pain, stomach pain, back pain, headaches, nightmares, loss of appetite, loss of concentration, alcohol and/or drug addiction, and suicidal thoughts, among others. These health problems can affect the quality of their work and lead to absenteeism, which puts them at risk of losing their job.

Physical abuse often leaves marks that can provide clues: bruises, strangulation marks, cigarette burns and other physical marks. Broken ribs, collarbones and jaws are common. Attacks can cause life-threatening, irreversible injuries. The eardrums, spleen, kidneys, abdomen and lungs are often affected. Physical violence often occurs during pregnancy and can lead to miscarriage or abortion.

As well as fear and shame, victims of violence often feel anger and resentment. Some suppress their feelings because they are afraid to speak out or because they are afraid of provoking more violence from their partner. Others react aggressively. For example, they may shout, swear, or hit their partner in response to the abuse. In some relationships, both partners may use violence as a means of resolving conflict. In such cases, the couple can seek help together, as both victims and abusers.

The abuser may feel a real and painful sense of guilt. Unable to break the spiral of violence, their self-esteem is affected which can then continue the cycle of abuse.

The relationship is at serious risk if there is an environment where abuse is common. The victim is afraid of the abuser and no longer feels respected, even though they may still love them. There is a risk that the couple will separate.

Children are affected by abuse between their parents. They become afraid of the abusive parent and may avoid them. They may also become angry with the abuser.

Even if those close to the abuser don’t witness the violence directly, they often sense what is going on. As a result, loved ones may feel uncomfortable and unsure of how to react, and they will stop contact with the abuser.

Police intervention, arrests, court appearances, imprisonment, a criminal record... These are all serious consequences and penalties of intimate partner violence.

In the event of separation, and in situations of danger, the abuser can be deprived of custody of their children and have their visitation rights restricted, even if they have never behaved aggressively towards them. When someone abuses their partner, they run the risk of being kept away from their children.

Caught in a spiral of violence, the abuser may find it difficult to concentrate at work, becoming inefficient, irritable and at risk of losing their job. They may also suffer financially in the event of separation or divorce.