In an emergency Police 117 | Ambulance 144
Do you feel as if your relationship isn’t going well? Do you feel stressed and don't know what to do? Have your partner and/or people close to you talked to you about your behaviour, but you're not really sure if the things you're saying or doing really count as abuse? Then this may be a good place to start.
Some of the signs that you may have been abusive or violent are:
• You’ve spoken harshly to your partner and/or been physically abusive.
• You are uncomfortable with your behaviour and realise that it is wrong.
• Your partner is in pain, afraid of you and considering leaving you.
• You are also in pain and ashamed of your behaviour and its impact on your family.
Abuse is not inevitable. You can free yourself from this behaviour, and by visiting this website, you’ve already taken the first step. You've found the courage to look for information
violencequefaire.ch is an interactive website. You can talk about your situation and ask questions in complete safety and anonymity. Our specialists will give you personalised advice online. You'll also find information on the subject and contact details for useful organisations.
It’s hard to admit to violence. People who abuse will often blame their actions on an external problem such as stress, alcohol, unemployment, personal history, or other similar issues, or they may minimise the situation. It’s not easy to admit that you are attacking someone you love and you may feel a painful sense of guilt.
Having a hard time is no excuse for being abusive. No matter how unhappy you are or what problems you have, it's up to you to deal with them without attacking your partner.
Alcohol or the use of any other substance such as drugs or medication, does not make you violent. It can only make you express an existing violent tendency more quickly or more intensely.
In a relationship, both partners need to deal with and accept each other's personality and opinions. It's not up to one person to run the relationship and dictate everything. If things aren't going your way and you're upset, you should talk things through, not impose your point of view. Violence is not an acceptable way to resolve conflicts.
You may find it difficult to express your needs and your opinions. As a result, frustration and dissatisfaction build up until you reach boiling point. However, any difficulties you may have in communicating are no excuse for resorting to violence. It's your responsibility to learn how to identify your feelings and express them respectfully.
A healthy relationship based on respect, trust, sharing and equality is a big commitment. People go into relationships with wounds from their past and it’s their own responsibility to heal them. If your partner’s actions or behaviours trigger you, you are the only one who is responsible for the way you react. Responding with abuse is not acceptable and only makes things worse.
Just because you cannot stand something your partner does, does not mean you have the right to attack them. This is also true if you feel that your partner is provoking you. You are entirely responsible for how you respond to your partner's behaviour.
Sometimes an abused person will shout, swear or even hit their partner. This violence is usually a reaction to the abuse they are experiencing and is different from the abuser's intentional abuse to get what they want from their partner.
Abuse is unacceptable under any circumstances. It's difficult to admit that you're the only person responsible for your own actions, especially when you feel disrespected or attacked, but it's an essential step in getting out of the situation.
Other people have experienced things similar to what you’re experiencing, and they’ve been able to break free from the cycle of abuse. Speaking out is an important and necessary first step. By opening up, you can reduce the tension you’re feeling and gain some perspective. It takes a lot of courage to take this first step, but it will bring you welcome relief and change.
On this website you can talk anonymously about your situation and ask any questions you may have. Our domestic abuse specialists will listen to you without judgement. Their experience means they will understand the complexity of your situation and give you expert advice.
Don’t wait for the situation to get worse.
You are responsible for stopping your own abusive behaviour. Talking about it will relieve stress and help you get out of the situation.
An act of abuse doesn’t just come out of nowhere. It’s important to learn how to recognise and manage your anger before it escalates into abuse. There are other ways of doing things.
Like any other emotion, anger is not inherently bad. When you learn to be in tune with yourself, you can recognise your anger before it turns into abusive behaviour. When you feel angry, it's usually a sign that a need is not being met. It's a matter of identifying the need and finding the right words to express your feelings without blaming your partner. Your partner is not responsible for how you feel or for meeting your needs.
Sometimes your feelings are so overwhelming that you "fly off the handle". In other words, you lose control.
People who abuse their partners also experience frustrating or unpleasant situations outside the home, especially in the workplace. In this context, however, they are able to deal with their anger without resorting to violence. They are not violent towards their colleagues or bosses. In the workplace, they make the choice to not become violent.
The abuser always has the choice to behave differently, even in the privacy of their own home. If they are abusive at home, it's because they allow themselves to be. Abuse is not a loss of control; it is a way of taking control. The abuser uses violence to make their partner comply, to show them who's in charge.
You don’t have to face your problem alone. Specialist organisations can give you practical help to stop being violent and abusive. It is possible to break the cycle. Asking for help takes courage, but it’s a necessary step that will bring you welcome relief and change.
Specialist organisations for abusers are there to help stop the abuse. Their role is not to judge - their priority is to ensure the safety of everyone involved and to put an end to the physical violence. They deal with all forms of abuse: psychological, economic and sexual. The skills you develop in these centres will help you to reduce the build-up of stress, ease tensions during conflict and find ways of resolving disputes other than through the use of violence.
When you get in touch with the organisations that help abusers, you will find that you are not alone in dealing with this type of problem. They might suggest group work where you can benefit from the experience of people who have already found alternatives to violence. It is also an opportunity to learn that it is possible to trust without being taken advantage of, and that showing vulnerability doesn't necessarily mean being taken advantage of either. By learning to trust, listen and empathise, you can develop a healthy and constructive way of communicating.
Abuse is often used to control, isolate or gain respect from your partner. However, the opposite is true: abuse drives people away and creates fear. Counselling for abusers can also help you develop a more balanced view of relationships.
Many parents appreciate being able to talk about their concerns for their children who are exposed to scenes of abuse and violence. This issue is given particular attention by organisations who help abusers. They also explore ways of promoting non-violent parenting.
Some organisations offer couples therapy aimed at dealing with abuse. This is the case in the Malley-Prairie shelter in the canton of Vaud. The aim is to talk about the abuse and to try put a permanent end to it. The sessions are free, confidential and conducted by two professionals, a woman and a man. The sessions end when the abuse has stopped. In the canton of Geneva, the Interdisciplinary Consultation on Medicine and Prevention of Violence (“Consultation interdisciplinaire de médecine et de prévention de la violence”) also offers couples counselling, which covers the different forms of abuse, their unacceptability, the legal context, the responsibilities of each partner and the effects on health. These two clinics provide for a return to individual counselling in the event of a recurrence of physical or sexual violence.
People who have committed abuse often only seek help at the last minute. Many only decide to do so when they really have no other choice: their partner has left, started separation proceedings or has decided to file a complaint. Sometimes it is the risk of not seeing their children that makes them decide.
Don't wait for things to get worse before you seek help. It is your responsibility to stop your violent behaviour. If you want to take action to stop the violence, talk to our team of professionals.
You need to take immediate, concrete steps to reduce tension and prevent violent outbursts. Your partner’s safety and wellbeing are at stake, as are those of your children, if you have any. Of course, external support is essential if the problem is to be resolved in the long term.
There are certain warning signs that signal the onset of a crisis. If you know how to spot them, you can react quickly and avoid the worst. If tension is rising, your forehead may be burning, your jaw may be clenching, your fists may be clenching, your hands may be clammy or the back of your neck may be tingling. Look out for these signs and leave your home as soon as they appear.
Do you feel angry? Are you out of control? Get out immediately.
Take a walk to relieve your tension. Think about what is going on inside you. Try and identify the emotions that are often hidden behind anger such as shame, fear, or sadness. Call someone close to you or call 143 (La Main Tendue helpline, confidential and anonymous, 24 hours a day). Don't go back to your partner until you feel calm again.
Try to release tension. Take up a sport, go for a regular run, do some DIY, listen to music, paint, meet up with friends and other similar activities.
It's up to you to find activities that help you relax and recharge your batteries.
You can keep a journal to record what happens each day and how you feel. To help you recognise the warning signs, go into detail about violent episodes, including the facts and the feelings that led to the escalation.
