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Dear sirs,
I have a boyfriend for 9 months. He looked very nice and generous at the beginning. He supported me during my father's loss and he was with me all the time. He was inviting me and organizing a lot of things for me. He sis always telling your pretty and capable. However, when I tell him that I don't like something like he does not plan in advance, he texted other girls, arriving late he exploits and screams to me.
He starts moving his hands, stands up, he doesn't hear me at all and refuses to talk and listen my reasons, he denies what he did. The last time it got so bad to the point he said "je te degoute" in the train in front of people and later he said I deserve it. Moreover, now he accuses me that I am a profiteer because he invited me dinners or to a trip. However, I never ask anything and I tried to invite as much as I can since I am student.
Now, he is asking to continue,. He says I am sorry but you put me out of my head. I do not know what to do, I feel that I date someone with two personalities: one that is nice and over giving me and over protective and the other that exploits, and treats me bad when I on't like something. I am afraid that if I continue this will get worse, I would like to ask advice.
Hello Madam,
You have been with your boyfriend for 9 months. While he has been supportive and caring, he also has had agressive behaviours when you wanted to adress issues in your relationship. As you are contemplating whether you should continue to be with him, you contacted us to receive clarity and guidance. We want to commend you for your courage as it should have been hard to share with us the issues you are facing.
His shouts, his hand movements and him standing up are him trying to scare you. These actions coupled with him denying your observations and shaming you are all facets of psychological violence. You noticed quite accurately that there are different faces or phases at play here. Violence is a cycle where the tension rises until a violent incident occurs (when he treats you badly), followed by reconciliation and a period of peace (when he is good to you). Acts of violence have consequences such as the fear that you have of it getting worse and not knowing what he would do at any time. This state of alertness is detriment to your health if maintained for a long time. The denial and shaming that he does could also make you lose faith in yourself as you start to doubt if you are being fair in your assessment of him. Guilt could also emerge as a result of this and as he is using the fact that he gifts you things. Do you have people whom you trust around you that can listen to your experience ? We feel it is important that you maintain and nurture social contacts out of the sphere of your relationship as violence can inhibit social ties and leave you isolated.
If you feel the need to talk to individuals working in the field of conjugal violence in Geneva, you can get in touch with AVVEC, an association that helps victims of conjugal violence. They can be contacted by phone (022 797 10 10) or you can drop-in on tuesdays from 4pm to 6pm on rue de Montchoisy 46. The professionnals there can assist you in processing your thoughts and feelings. Their service is free of charge and in french or english.
We hope that what we provided you with is useful and we send our best thoughts your way. Do not hesitate to write again to give us news about your situation. Take care of yourself.
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