Is this emotional, financial and physical abuse ?

29-10-2026

Hello,

We sincerely thank you for trusting us and taking the time to share your question and your feelings with us. We understand that you find yourself recognizing elements of abuse in your marriage. You've written to us because you are feeling disrespected and unsafe, and you wish to gain more clarity on what it is exactly that you are experiencing and how to protect yourself.

VIOLENCE QUE FAIRE is dedicated to informing and orienting people affected by violence in intimate relationships towards adapted ressources. You made a brave choice by opening up about your doubts. It is often not easy to bring up such worries and seek help. You can be proud of yourself for your commitment to your wellbeing. You are not alone, there are people and ressources to support you.

You have shared with us that your husband refuses to support you financially for basic needs, or pays inconsistently and that this has caused you to go into debt. Throughout your relationship, you have also been belittled, insulted, body-shamed and told to "go back to your country" as well as told offensive things about your country. Regularly, you are are faced with degrading comments to make you feel like a weight or a "leech". It is also alarming that your religious beliefs and choice to carry your child are completely disregarded and disrespected. These attempts at hurting you, and humiliating you were also physical, such as pushing you off the bed, strangling you or throwing objects at you when you were sick in bed. At times where you wanted to leave, your phone was taken from you and you were severly hurt so that you could not go.

We sincerely regret that you have been treated in such a disrespectful and dangerous manner. We can imagine how hurtful and disorienting these moments must be. 

Given the details you have shared with us, we agree with your instinct that these are clear signs of domestic abuse. What matters the most is that you never deserved to be treated this way and you were right to believe that these behaviors are not normal. Controlling a person's livelihood and autonomy through their finances is considered financial abuse and maintains a violent cycle of control. Insulting, humiliating and belittling comments are a form of psychological abuse which often aim to control someone as well. These behaviors along with physical abuse, such as strangling you, pushing you and throwing things at you have severe consequences on a person's self-esteem, sense of safety and general health. 

Noticing these signs is important and you can be proud of yourself for trusting your instinct and believing that you deserve love, respect and safety.

We understand however that it can be difficult to label certain behaviors as "abuse" or "violence", and that it can be hard to feel valid in naming these behaviors. If it is alright with you, we would like to ask you a few introspective questions to take time and provide space for your feelings :

• How did you feel after writing to us? 
• What would it mean to you to be able to define these behaviors as "abusive"? What do you think makes you feel unsure?
• Have you shared these thoughts with a close friend you can trust? or a professional?
• If a friend of yours shared these same experiences, what would you tell them?
• In which places or with whom do you currently feel more calm and secure? 
• What would you need to feel safe and confident going forward?

These questions are simply to allow you to connect with any feelings you may be experiencing at the moment, and it is okay if you don't know exactly how you feel or what you want. In our opinion, it is however important that you do not carry all of this alone. We can suggest surrounding yourself with trustworthy friends and professionnals who can support you materially and emotionally going forward. 

In order to discuss what you've experienced and how to effectively protect yourself, you might find it helpful to contact the AAVEC (Aide aux victimes de violence en couple) organization in Geneva (022 797 10 10 or info@avvec.ch). Here you can find a safe and non-judgmental space to share your feelings, and look at the current risks of your situation in order to find solutions that make sense to you and make you feel safe. Their services are free and confidential. You have no obligation to take on any legal procedures, you have the right to move at whichever pace feels right to you, and which fulfills your current needs as well as your future child's.

The LAVI center in Geneva (022 320 01 02) or the canton of your choice, may also offer guidance towards psychological, legal and financial help. At any time, you also have the option to contact the national hotline for people experiencing abuse by calling the number 142. This is a free and confidential ressource to quickly be guided towards services that may be of help in a crisis. If you fear for your safety, or have doubts, do not hesitate to contact the police by calling 117.

You might also find it useful to document the different episodes of abuse as well as the pictures you have, in a secured place. We can recommend the confidential online safe provided by the association Tech Against Violence. Documenting these moments, however you wish to do so, can help recognize patterns of abuse while also seeing how you felt at the time of these episodes. As you have mentioned wanting a separation at times, you may find it helpful and reassuring to keep evidence of your perspective and experience.

In moments of doubt, you may try out our online tests : "Is my relationship healthy?". These have been a great ressource for other people who have gone through similar questions and can help gage what you are experiencing and what next steps feel right to you. Your inner voice as well as talking with trustworthy people are the most reliable indicators of what is disrespectful and does not match your needs.

We can encourage you to continue following your gut feeling that has brought you to us. The insights you have shared with us are valid and important. You deserve to feel safe and fulfilled, and there are many ressources that would be glad to support you in whatever direction suits you the best.

In hopes that our answer can be of use in this diffucult time, we send you our warmest regards.